How tweet it isn't

A lot of folks love to tweet,
They think there's nothing fitter;
I think email's much more neat;
I have no love for Twitter.

I can't see much benefit
Except the chance to chatter;
Email has more meat to it;
Tweets use much less grey matter.

It's true a tweet's efficient,
Quick as a Maserati;
But emails are sufficient,
Though scorned by Twitterati.

Which one of them will prevail?
Though Twitter may suit your dreams,
I'll stay the course with emails,
As quick as twittering seems.

Driving while old

The car behind me pulls out in a flash,
Then pulls in front, to be the first one there.
The light turns red. He almost has a crash,
But still, he's ahead, though he got a scare,
And time won't wait! He needs to win this race,
Be number one. The light turns green. He goes.
Amused, I dawdle at a steady pace,
And reach my goal, intact from crown to toes.
His urgent needs are clear, he has to shine:
To have the biggest house, most costly car,
Best-looking wife, and drink the finest wine.
Will that be underlined in his memoir?
I once drove fast, and had no time to lose
When I was young; now slow, is what I choose.

The centipede

The poor unlucky centipede,
With more legs than he'll ever need!
Asked to put his best foot forward,
Which one to choose, must be horrid.

If grandma were alive today ...

Grandma enjoyed the phone so much,
For local gossip, news, and such;
"What number, please?" came from the phone,
Back when there was no dial tone.

And, MI eight-oh-five-four-oh
Was her home number years ago,
Before we'd reached our mobile stage,
When cells are how we now engage.

Our texting, tweets, and emails rate
First place, when we communicate.
If grandma were alive today,
She might not know which choice to weigh.

On having fun

Now that I've reached seventy four,
An age I never was before,
I sometimes stop, and speculate;
Will life be good, at ninety eight?

We know the future's hard to see,
(Though some count on astrology),
And few predictions are correct;
Life happens when you least expect.

When I was in my teenage years,
And full of adolescent fears,
I hoped that I'd reach twenty one,
The age when grownup life's begun.

That was a long, long time ago,
And now, I know just what I know;
Life's like a book, we turn a page,
And learn new things at every stage.

I'm sure, when I reach ninety eight,
There's stuff I'll still anticipate,
Like celebrating ten times ten,
When I'm a centenarian.

And when I've reached one hundred years,
Long-shorn of adolescent fears,
If I don't reach one hundred one,
I'll be content; I've had some fun!

Life is short

"Life is nasty, brutish, short,"
That was Thomas Hobbes' report.
If life's as pointless as he fears,
I see no gain in wasting tears.

On marriage

Wedlock can be a quandary;
Which type of marriage should it be?
Outside the tribe, (exogamy)?
Inside the tribe, (endogamy?

I nixed the thought of bigamy;
Two wives would be too much for me.
I'm too scared by polygamy,
If they got mad, where would I flee?

And so, I settled, finally,
On regular monogamy;
That choice was not the best for me,
But we split up quite happily.

My time's my own now, and I'm free;
I live in peace and harmony,
Enjoying my own company,
Unapologetically.

On horse races

Can horses race on well-kept ground?
Does fairness enter into it?
The question isn't too profound;
The answer's clear, for those with wit.

Should horses start out from the gate
With equal chances to succeed?
Or, is that hard to contemplate?
Is special treatment what they need?

With well-made rules, and honest goals,
Each horse will seek the finish line;
Not all are meant for winning roles;
But even tracks will let one shine.

Cruising along

For fifty years, it never ceased;
I drove a million miles, at least.
If i could choose, to drive, or stay,
I always chose to drive away.

The weather never curbed my pace;
A fear of snow equaled disgrace.
Inside the car, my life was sweet,
While cruising in the driver's seat.

My love of driving now has passed;
The car I own will be my last.
With luck, it soon should be antique,
The type of car collectors seek.

Today, I hardly drive at all,
Not even to the shopping mall.
I only drive when I have chores;
They know me at convenience stores.

I drive there when I need some milk,
Or other products of that ilk.
Here's trivia that should amaze;
I haven't filled my tank for days!

A rise per gallon at the pump,
Before, would really burn my rump;
Did I say days? It's months for me.
It's like I almost drive for free!

Don't get me wrong, I still like cars,
(And rockets for my trip to Mars).
Now a grin's replaced a glower;
No more traffic, or rush hour!

On dealing with a bore

I locked up, on my getaway
To beat the rush to work that day,
But luck escaped me, what a bore!
I met the neighbor from next door.

She collared me, and moaned, and wailed,
Exclaiming what her woes entailed;
About her teenaged son named Fred,
Who's doesn't work, and stays in bed.

I tried to leave, but she was quick,
And told me that her cat was sick;
I also learned her back went out,
And that her husband has the gout.

I rolled my eyes. "What's with this dame?"
I know, I thought, I'll do the same!
"I'm sad to hear you have trouble,
Compared to you, mine are double."

I put my stuff down on the stoop,
Prepared to rattle off some poop;
How I stayed up too late last night,
And how my in-laws love to fight.

"And one thing more, I dropped my cup,
As scalding coffee filled it up.
Some splattered on my favorite tie."
I looked quite sad, as though I'd cry.

"A lace broke, as I tied my shoes,
When I saw that, I blew a fuse!
I noticed that her eyes were glazed;
She seemed to be a little dazed.

My neighbor, mumbling, left me then,
I guess she won't be back again.
I haven't seen her, and that's fine;
I know her problems aren't mine.

Apostrophes can rile

Apostrophes can rile;
These marks for writing style
Are used to show possession,
Whenever that's in question.

Alas, when they're not needed,
(And here's where we should heed it),
In other formulations
They're silly aberrations.

While useful, they're a trial,
I would take a breath and smile,
And suggest we be at ease,
Dealing with apostrophes.

Off-key

The right words sing out on a page,
Like canaries freed from a cage,
But sometimes, when I least expect,
My poem falls flat; oh what the heck!

Finishing schools

Do you recall "finishing schools,"
Where young girls went to learn the rules
On how to talk, and move, and get
The finer points of etiquette?

Those schools are gone, like dinosaurs,
Now fossils of the social wars,
Institutions of improvement,
Banished by the women's movement.

Today, the feminine mystique
Has rendered schools like those antique.
They're old hat, and you won't find 'em;
Don't believe me? Ask Ms. Steinem.

The almighty dollar

Remember, once upon a time,
Something that's part of ancient lore,
Of shopping at the "five and dime?"
Today, you shop the dollar store.

A dollar, just one hundred cents;
Phone calls were ten times a penny,
And gas was only thirty cents,
When two dollars' worth was plenty.

But that was when a buck had power;
Its moxie went a long, long way.
Now, you earn more every hour;
What does it buy you now - today?

He had it all

Humphrey Bogart had it all:
Fame, wealth, and Lauren Bacall

Tell it like it is!

If your words are euphemistic,
They evoke the euphuistic,
A pompous literary style,
That should have passed away a while.
Passed away? I should have cried,
"What nonsense! It should have died!"

Robin Williams: 1951 - 2014

He was born with a gift of laughter in his heart,

and a sense that the world was mad - Rafael Sabatini

Like game birds pierced by arrows from a tight-strung bow,

We struggle for a while, then let our spirits go,

To where, we do not know

How much can the gift of humor soothe cosmic pain,

How much can laughter mitigate the inhumane,

In a world gone insane?

The camel

The camel's quite a useful beast,
Where rain forests occur the least.
She dresses with one hump, or two;
Both kinds exist, I've seen a few.

Yet I'm afraid there is one hitch,
I never know which one is which;
Bactrian, or Dromedary?
Confusing, but not to worry!

Her hump's good for storing water,
(That's how Mother Nature wrought her),
So until the next oasis,
She lacks thirst in desert spaces.

Miss Camel's temper would be short
Without some water for support;
Were she thirsty, what a folly,
To expect her to be jolly.

Power outages

We always think great inventions
Will perform and meet intentions,
And appreciate the stuff we use,
Until the day we're out of juice.

In the comics: Scrooge McDuck

Do you remember Scrooge McDuck?
Now, there's a bird who had some luck!
This Uncle Scrooge played hard to win,
Relaxing in his money bin.

Scrooge spent his days inside his vaults
Perfecting money somersaults.
He'd leap and dive into his stash,
Laugh with delight, and count his cash.

Like Ebenezer, his namesake,
Old Scrooge was schooled in how to take.
Reminds me of the "One Percent";
Those charmers, who live off our rent.

On new love

New love is just a passing phase;
Like snow in May, it never stays.
Its flame burns bright, consumes, until
It fades away, as new love will.

Botch me no botches

As I looked up a rhyme for botch,
I was surprised to find a lotch,
From A to Z, from blotch to watch,
Including New York's Mayor Koch.

Amazed to see the whole hotchpotch,
I wandered through the growing swatch,
A treasure worthy of Sasquatch,
To talk of, at the coffee klatch.

At times, you'd like less than you've gotch,
Like when the level dropped a notch,
And my glance wandered down to crotch;
If I still drank, I'd have a Scotch.

The platypus

The platypus, strictly oviparous,
Though mammal, lays eggs to have kids, and thus
She stands out from the pack
With a skill others lack;
Her children are never viviparous.

Enjoy the day

Ah, yesterday's a cancelled check;
Tomorrow's just a dream.
Today is all we can expect,
No matter how we scheme.
Days are done before we see 'em;
I believe in carpe diem.

On free advice

"Marriage can be love's death," I said,
When a friend told me he'd marry.
"I'd think a lot, before I'd wed.
You've married before; be wary.

"You have no need to take a vow;
Why not be happy, and stay free?
Why take the plunge, why do it now?
It smacks of pure insanity."

My free advice was worth its cost;
My friend remarried anyway.
Something's won, and something's lost;
Hope springs eternal every day.